I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
