just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
