Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
