Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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