i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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