I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
