he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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