He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
