What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
