If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
my penis made a compromise with my morals
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
