hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
