omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
