you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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