Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
