My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
