I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
