If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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