The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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