i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
