Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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