I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
