Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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