Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
