One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize