mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
