I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
