Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
You smell like stripper and shame
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
