what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
