I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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