I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
