Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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