like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
