dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
