Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
