last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
