I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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