areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
