Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
