I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
