just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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