dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
