i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
