Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
