He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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