Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
