I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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