I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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