omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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