I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I am midnight drunk by noon
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
