I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
How external is "for external use only"?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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