so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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