On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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