So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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