I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
