drinking out of a sandbucket again
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
